Thy Will Be Done: Saying "Yes" When You Don't Understand

My life the last few months have looked like a whirlwind. Between going to scholarship competition, applying for college, doing schoolwork, dancing, writing essays for scholarships, family obligations and other events, there's been very little stability or peace. I prayed a lot throughout that time to God to help me find the place I was meant to be and the money to go there. Then, about a month ago, I found out that I got a very good scholarship to my top college. It was one of the biggest reliefs and joys ever. My future for the next four years were no longer a blank mystery; I had a place to belong, and I knew I could afford it. It was such an amazing feeling to know that God provided me the means to go to a great Catholic school where I knew I could grow in my faith and get the very best education. A few days after hearing I was awarded the scholarship, I committed to the school, and a lot of my stresses were relieved. I thought that this was God's plan, and I was happy and ready.

However, yesterday, I opened up my email to find a very life-changing piece of news. My college was downsizing and would no longer offer all the academic programs I was looking for nor provide housing. It was a complete shock. At first, I was very numb to what I just read. How could this be? I thought. God led me to this school and provided me with the money. How can all my prayers be answered only to be taken away in a single swoop? After rereading the email over and over, the reality set in. This was real. In just one moment, all of my plans were gone, and I was left in a harder position than I was a few months ago.

It was a very painful and raw moment. I cried a lot of tears, and I couldn't help but feel abandoned by God. My future for the next four years was no longer planned nor would I have access to as many scholarships at the other schools I applied to  as the school I had committed to. A lot of fear and stress and anxiety consumed me. My thoughts were wild and rampant; it felt like my life was falling apart. How could this happen to me? None of it made sense, and it still doesn't.

After a day of letting this reality sink in, I've been thinking greatly about who I am and where my faith is. I call myself a Christian, and I freely admit that God is a good God who loves all people. I go to Mass every Sunday and proclaim that I believe and trust in God. I consume the Precious Body and Blood of Christ knowing that He is my Savior who died and rose again for me despite my sins. I tell the people that I know God will take care of them in their time of need. Every time I pray the Our Father, I tell God that I want His will to be done.

Furthermore, I have been reading more books that will help me grow in my faith of God. One of these books is called The Robe by Lloyd Douglas. It is a tale about the solider who one Jesus' robe at His crucifixion and the pull he had to learning more about the man behind the robe. In the story, there are lots of tales about Jesus and the people around Him, people who - after Jesus' ascension - believed in God so much that they were willing to die for their faith. They looked to God in their times of need and throughout the pain. This act of faith and courage were an amazing inspiration for me.

After thinking about where I am in my faith and the way I want to live my life as a witness of God for others, I realize that while the news about my college is devastating, God has not left me. All my other actions in life show that I trust in God, so I ought to be able to trust God in this too. Trusting in God does not mean that I have to understand. I may never understand, but my faith in Jesus Christ allows me to hold onto the promises of God. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For know that I have plans for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and future." I have always trusted those words to be true. Although my situation has changed, God has not changed. God still loves me. He still takes care of me. He still has a plan for me. And while I may not understand it, I can trust God because He is everything that is good, lovely, perfect and true. He watches over His children.

Last night, I was listening to the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. The song touches on a lot of what I am going through and what other people are going through. In the opening stanza, she sings....

I’m so confused 

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here 

I don’t wanna think 

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

In this time of trial, I am confused. I thought that going to this college was part of God's plan for me, but now in the reality of what happened, that is not where I will be ending up. The pain that I feel is hard, but I know that somehow, this could be part of God's plan for my future. He can use this for good.

Right now I have two choices: I can blame God and hold onto my hurt and anger, or I can trust in God to take care of this and move on with my daily life. The way I handle this difficult situation can be used to witness the beauty of God to the world. This is not the route that I would have chosen for me, but I am choosing to tell God what I say every time in the Our Father: "Thy will be done." I do not know where the next few days and weeks will take me, but I trust that my "yes" to God will open up doors that will lead me and the others around my closer to Him.

Please keep my situation in your prayers, and I'll keep you updated on where God takes me with this.

Your Sister in Christ,
Emily